Monkey Business

Today, I saw something absolutely horrifying. Something that will have me traumatized for life.

Today, I accidentally became witness to a rape.

A homosexual rape.

It all started when I came home earlier than expected from an outing. Casually walking into my room, I was greeted by an image that will forever be burned into the deep, dark recesses of my mind, coming back to haunt me in the years to come – much in the same manner that M.C. Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” does so today.

I saw this:


Toy story - what really happens...

My two roommates, Joe the monkey and Smurf the smurf were going at it like rabbits on steroids.

Initially, my presence wasn’t noticed. But once the resounding thud of my jaw hitting the floor became apparent, the perpetrators quickly realized that they weren’t alone. In an instant, emotions changed from boiling hot to ice cold. Kind of the same way you feel when you let out a gut-wrenchingly satisfying fart only to realize that gas wasn’t the only thing to escape your bowels.

I had been discovered. I was the proverbial non-gas matter that was released during the throes of their sexually proverbial fart.



It was that kind of fleeting moment when you’re caught between two conflicting moments. You’re on the fence of two different situations with devastatingly different climaxes (again, pun not intended).

On one side there’s the pure, primal and unadulteratedly animal (pun not intended) ecstasy you feel when you are about to slap your partner’s ass as you doggystyle him/her into oblivion.


Being caught slapping someone's ass is never nice

On the other side, confusion followed by a wave of panic as they discovered that their miserable little lives will forever by shattered by this moment. The kind of moment where you’re so overwhelmed by the gravity of that second that you’re mind just becomes…..blank.



Joe has the blank look of an admittedly guilty man. ‘Scuse me. Monkey.



Smurf, on the other hand, had a smile that smacked with the look of eternal gratefulness, which led me to believe that he had been an unwilling partner in this situation. It it wasn't that then he just looked horny as hell.

Instead of losing my head, I regained my composure and requested that my two befuddled friends explain their situation.

Apparently, upon my absence, my two supposed friends decided to have a little party.


Note the horny look in Joe's eyes...and the location of his left hand

Copious amounts of alcohol were consumed. A whole can of beer each. Smurf, who was still rather inexperienced when it came to drinking, passed out from all the excitement. Joe on the other hand, has had his fair share of sessions. So, like any sexually deprived red-blooded male, he had to seek release. Joe eyed the limp body of the young and nubile smurf and soon it became too much to resist – regardless of gender. Smurf claims that he tried to say no but in his drunken stupor it might have come out as “Oh yeah baby, gimme some monkey lovin’. Slap that blue ass. Au!”.

According to the accused, my copy of “Loaded” which stared back at him day in and day out was to blame. In his own words, it “was like an infinite lapdance on paper”. Teasingly unattainable (it was on a shelf that was too high for him, you see).


Covergirl Dita von Teese: Propogator of monkey love

I am still deliberating whether this situation is forgivable or not. Not that I underestimate the gravity of the situation, but I, uhm…I, err…kind of…understand his feeling of being deprived.

So until I decide what kind of punishment should be laid down, this is what I have meted out.


Read upside down to get the full message

Webbit - "State of the art" Wireless broadband by TIME

I am writing this to you with regards to your Webbit wireless broadband service. I am a subscriber to the abovementioned service (User name - Account No. inserted).

For the last week or so, the service I have been is very weak and sporadic. This basically means that i have not been able to use your service during this period. Despite numerous calls to your customer service, the problem still persists. The most I can get is a few minutes of service before it gets disrupted again. The modem shows a red signal permanently where it used to show orange or green signal. Furthermore, the signal continuously gets disrupted and the signal light just blinks.

The excuse given to me is that this area (Section 7 - base station Menara Choy Fook On) is overcongested. This is unacceptable as this service has cost me a few hundred ringgit to install and a monthly bill or RM88. For what it's worth, I have basically been unable to log on to the internet during the last week.

I am writing this in the hope that this problem can be resolved quickly. My household consists of 5 people of varying ages who use the internet daily. As your mission statement says, " TIME dotCom is committed to providing superior broadband service to ensure the enhancement and clarity of data communication through the delivery of Internet access over a state-of-the-art digital wireless broadband network". I hope you can live up to your claimed standards.

I have contemplating writing this for a while now.

The above is an e-meil which I sent out to Webbit a few weeks back. Apart from this, numerous calls have also been made to their customer service almost daily. Webbit is Time's wireless broadband internet service.

The internet service provided by them has recently turned horrible. Constant disconnnections, connection with no data coming through and the inability to connect for hours is a daily occurence. This has been going on for almost 2 months. All this and they charge us RM500 installation and modem fee and RM88 a month.

Needless to say, I am extremely pissed with TIME. All you Streamyx users out there, trust me, you have it good. Most of my complaints have already been noted in the mail above.

Please be wary if you intend to subscribe. And you are a Webbit subscriber by any chance, please leave a comment with your thoughts on their service.

Cheers.

Yoda's vacation

Taken off a conversation I had on MSN...


SiMz^ says:
wat day u coming?
El Diablo says:
coming where?
SiMz^ says:
i tot u comin back
El Diablo says:
who said?
SiMz^ says:
rashnith said. and papa
El Diablo says:
really? how come ah?
El Diablo says:
the dark side i fear, is near
El Diablo says:
much confusion it causes
SiMz^ says:
so ure not coming?
SiMz^ says:
i tot u have 1 week's break
El Diablo says:
confused i am
El Diablo says:
meditate i must. for the jedi there is no break. do, or do not. there is no break,
SiMz^ says:
dun have ar?
El Diablo says:
there is no break for the jedi
El Diablo says:
but a jedi iam not, for i am a jedi MASTER
SiMz^ says:
so u do have a break?
El Diablo says:
take a vacation, i must
El Diablo says:
good idea, that is
El Diablo says:
too old i am to begin the training. vacation, i must
SiMz^ says:
ohhhokok
El Diablo says:
tattooine nightlife, better it is on friday or saturday?
SiMz^ says:
tattooine? mondays
El Diablo says:
unusual, this is
El Diablo says:
the dark side clouds everything
SiMz^ says:
indeed, it does
El Diablo says:
what plans have you, saturday?
SiMz^ says:
sapede and sleep
El Diablo says:
what language, speak you?
El Diablo says:
not in 800 years of life have i heard this word, "sapede"
SiMz^ says:
tamil. yerenge macha!!!!!
El Diablo says:
much fear i sense in you
SiMz^ says:
fear? poh!
El Diablo says:
you follow your feelings too much. learn to let go, if become a jedi you will
SiMz^ says:
yerenge macha!!
El Diablo says:
Always two there are, a master and an apprentice...who teaches you the dark arts?!?
SiMz^ says:
professor lupin
El Diablo says:
lupin....that name not have i heard in a long time
SiMz^ says:
how long?
El Diablo says:
The shroud of the darkside has fallen. Begun the clone war has.
El Diablo says:
Master Windu, will I consult on this matter
El Diablo says:
speak you! be quiet not!
SiMz^ says:
jbdfjkngiuerho
El Diablo says:
fear me, do you?
El Diablo says:
on saturday, i will come. bring an army of clones i will. the sith will be destroyed once and for all
El Diablo says:
my vacation, there goes
SiMz^ says:
yerengeeee!!!
El Diablo says:
the dark side, perhaps, has clouded your judgement to the point of insanity
SiMz^ says:
venaaaaa!!
El Diablo says:
saturday, 10.30, my ship leaves from pudu port. beware, you should be.
El Diablo says:
that, is why you fail.
El Diablo says:
cheerio
SiMz^ says:
poh

Yes, I've got too much time on my hands...

A cacophony of events

How ya'll like my new smurf pic on my profile? Smurfs rule, and that's that. I mean, all those smurfs and only 1 smurfette? She must be tired. And Papa smurf must be makin a lot of money. He should change his name to Pimp Daddy smurf. In fact, if u look closely in 50 Cent's P.I.M.P. video, you can see him sitting next to Snoop in the Pimp Legion of Doom meeting scene.

My weekend was great, one of the best I've had in recent times. Nothing fancy, just good company, family, you know, the simple pleasures of life.

No good weekend starts with the sound of an alarm clock. Saturday morning is great because the only wake up call I get is the smell of lunch coming from the kitchen. No stupid alarm clock with a snooze button's that's repeatedly used for half an hour before finally succumbing to the facts of life and hauling my ass off bed.

Saturday afternoon was easy chilling, doing a bit of project work (yes, I still had to do some) and buying a couple of CDs. It's been ages since I bought CDs. Finally got 50 Cent's "The Massacre" and Mariah Carey's "Emancipation of Mimi". Track 7 is pretty interesting. It's called Get Your Number and it samples that 80's track called Illusion, I think. Can't remember by whom.

went to Bangsar at night. I swore off Bangsar ages ago, ever since it turned into a karat, unsafe place to party. This time, however, the plan was to chill with a few drinks at 8ish and be back by 12. Sounded like a plan to me. Some of the more pleasing music is played in the earlier hours and I didn't have to use one of my very limited late night out cards for this outing.

So it was that we went and chilled. 4 indian guys and 1 chinese guy outstandingly dressed in pink. Eventually decided to stay on a bit longer as I was having a decent enough time and I don't go out much anyways. Then at about 1.30 am, Absolut Chemistry turns up it's lights and starts pulling down its shutters. People were still partying the whole situation seemed very dubious to me. They even stopped letting new customers come in. That's when I decided to leave the joint before anything happened.

Went to an aunt's place (she wanted me over to arrange her CD collection), had a Magnum and went to sleep blissfully.

Woke up at about 11 today. Had my usual coffee, followed by a nice homemade lunch of seafood pasta and roast chicken with some cousins who came over. This was followed by tea later with even more food and relatives. Yes, we Punjabis love to eat. In between I got to work on the CD arranging, which wasn't easy as there was a bucketload of CDs to arrange. After a short break in the evening out gung-ho unit of bhais (including 2 honorary ones, my chinese and indian uncles through marriage) headed off to Chili's in Bangsar Shopping Centre for more food and drink. This time the fare was your typical Chili's stuff such as the Triple Play combo and my favorite Cajun Chicken Sandwich, along with generous amounts of margaritas and beer. That concluded my simple yet thoroughly enjoyable weekend. Ahh, that's the life *says that with arms outstretched and smug, contented look on face*

While sorting the aforementioned CDs I came across a few gems which I conveniently sapu-ed. One of the CDs that caught my eye was Cool Relax by Jon B. Up to this point I had only known a couple of songs by Jon B, one of which is the lovely "Someone to Love" with Babyface.


The album cover

So I put the CD on, and man, was I ever glad I did. This is a great album of slow, smooth and sexy R&B. Just the way I like it. The album title pretty much reflects what you can expect to hear. This is one CD which you can just leave on and chill out to. There's even a track with Tupac, which surprised me.

The best way I can describe this album is that this is the kind of CD you want to put on when you've planned a special candlelit, romantic dinner for that special someone and you want to set a romantic, passionate mood that just might lead to more interesting things.

Needless to say this CD is currently in my possesion.

Speaking of great music, a couple of days ago one of the great R&B artistes of our time passed. Luther Vandross never really recovered from a stroke he suffered 2 years ago, and that finally took it's toll on him. He has left us with a legacy of music that spans many years and has inspired many of todays artists such as Kanye West and Jamie Foxx, among others, and his music has been sampled and his tunes borrowed for many of our recent hit songs. His last album, Dance With My Father, was recorded after his stroke and he did so from his wheelchair in the recording studio. That album went on to garner 2 Grammy awards, I think.


Rest in peace...

To end the weekend, I'm gonna end with something that I am quite taken in by. Yes, that distant relative chick from 2 posts ago. Today, while chilling at my aunt's apartment, this happened. My uncle from Penang and his wife were there as well...

Wife: Hey! Do you know *chick's name* ah?
Me: Huh? Yah. How do you know her?
Wife: We met your cousin last night, she told us you met her and her niece.
Me: Yeah, I did. I met them at Mid Valley on Monday.

It had to happen la...

Wife: So...how is she?
Me: Oh, she's a nice girl. Quite cute. But I only spoke to her for 5 minutes.
Wife: So short? But never mind la, relatives what. Can't do anything also.
Me: Uh...
Uncle: No la! 2nd cousins only. No problem la!
Me: ?!!?!?!? *WTF!!!!*

At this juncture something happened that cut the conversation. I can't remember what, but I'm glad it happened.

Dear God, what are the chances?

This chick is from my dad's side, and this uncle and auntie of mine are from my mom's side. What are the chances?

I'm not sure if they were suspicious or just kidding around. But anyways, my dad called just now and let's just say that tomorrow I will be in possesion of a number that will enable me to make contact with her.

Here's the thing: Am I in over my head? Am I acting rashly? Distant relative = possible? What are the answers to these questions? I know she's single because in the course of those 5 minutes I had with her, she told me to bring some "cute friends" along to the big family wedding that's gonna happen in December. Screw that! I'm bringing along 2 of best-darndest-looking, gorgeous hunk friends I have. So it's set: Me, myself and I are the only ones going. I can already see the candlelit dinner with Jon B's Cool Relax soundtracking the evening.

Am I in over my head?

War of the cinema halls.

Went to watch "War of the Worlds" 2 days ago.

The movie itself (spoiler warning: skip the next few paragraphs if you haven't watched it yet) wasn't too bad. The beginning was fantastic and really kept me engrossed. In fact most of the movie was great. The end though was akin to getting into bed with the girl of your dreams and then finding out the truth behind that husky voice and long legs.

After a great build up and follow through, the end just really "potong stim" la. I ( and most people) left the cinema thinking "What the f**k?".

They died by disease. Surely after millions of years of planning and surveying, they would have thought about that risk? Didn't they get any diseases when they came here to plant the damn machines in the ground?

That brings me to another question. Why didn't they just take over the earth when they came here millions of years ago in the first place? Heck of a lot less trouble it would have been, without us humans in the way. Perhaps they just wanted some glamour la.

Anyways, I know the story is based on H.G. Wells book, which I haven't read, so Spielberg can't be blamed if the storyline is unchanged from the book. If that's the case, I think he's created a great movie. Definitely worth your admission price.

So much for my review.

On to the real issue.

Can't we watch movies in peace anymore? Throughout the course of the movie (and others), I encountered:

1. The sound of a tamil movie from the hall next door eminating from somewhere in the back. What the heck?! These halls are supposed to be soundproof! You have no idea how irritating it is when you're totally engrossed in the first emergence of the aliens when suddenly the sounds of a Tamil song bursts rapturously into your ears!

No disrespect to Tamil movies y'all. It ain't their fault.

2. Idiots, idiots, idiots who are just too dumb, stupid and ignorant to get that the Nokia public service announcement before the movie IS THERE FOR A REASON!

At least twice the dude in front of me let his phone ring, yes RING, before nonchalantly answering it and proceeded to blab away. How can people be so stupid as to do that?

Another "no disrespect" announcement here. This time to all my Chinese friends out there.

Whenever some idiot lets his phone ring and follows it up with a conversation like his bapak owns the cinema, it's always some "Ah Beng" or "Ah Lian" type. Why? Why so kiasu until like that? I have a lot of Chinese friends, I'm not trying to be a racist here. Fine, you need your calls, they're important for some reason, okay. Put your phone on silent/vibrate mode. What's so difficult about that?

Speaking of silent mode, here's my next grouse. The one that angers me the most.

3. People who go to the movies and leave your phone on. Fine. If you're a doctor, a politician, someone on call or anything along those lines. Leave your phone on silent and answer your calls. Outside the cinema. Where no one can hear you.

The rest of us, for which there is no urgent need for the phone to be left on, should just switch it off. Why? So you can watch your movie in peace, that's why. You can't talk anyway, so what's the point?

Key words here: YOU CAN'T TALK ANYWAY

It's so utterly stupid and pointless to answer your phone, whisper in a loud, hoarse voice, "Movie! I'm in a movie. WATCHING MOVIE LAAAA!!!! Ok, ok. Bye."

And this happens far too often. I'll say it again. IT IS POINTLESS!

You're wasting your time. You're wasting the other person's time. And you're annoying the heck out of normal cinema-goers like yours truly.

4. People bringing babies to non-kiddie movies. Obi-Wan and Anakin are about the engage in the battle that will determine the fate of the galaxy's future.

Cue baby's cry.

I love kids. I really do. But people need to understand that kid's don't belong in certain movies. They just can't take it. They get restless and edgy, and mayhem ensues. Leave the baby with a sitter or relative, and come watch your movie. Otherwise get the VCD/DVD.

5. Banglas and the occasianal Indons in cinemas. Nuff' said.

Honorable mention goes to cinema screw-ups. I have encountered movies where the picture alignment was off, where there was no sound at all, where there was fantastic THX sound but without the channel that contains the voices of the characters, where the lights were on for 10 minutes after the movie started, and where one of the main speakers being broken, thus eminating a resplendant "krrcch krcch" sound throughout the movie.

That concludes my cinematic complaints. I long for the day when I actually watch a movie without some kind of crap going on. The last time that happened was back in the day was the only sound you could hear around you was the munching of "kuaci".

I think I've broken my "caps" record for a post.